I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
