Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
