Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
