Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
and you said cock pushups were impossible
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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