he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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