I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
