i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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