He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
