it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
