I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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