why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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