i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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