1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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