Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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