when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
