you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
