Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
