Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
