Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
