the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
