yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
