i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
