Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
