I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
