The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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