its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
