I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
