Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
