Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
