okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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