she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
