im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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