life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
