seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
