just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
