I showed him my bush... on skype.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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