You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
