That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
