also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Holy shit dude........stairs
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
