i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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