You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
