apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
