4 words: hood of his car
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
