i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
