I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
