First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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