He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
