Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
