I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
