please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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